PORTAL MAINTENANCE: FER SAL
Look, if you are looking for a serious, grimdark fantasy about a "Chosen One" fulfilling an ancient prophecy, I am not your author. But if you need a good laugh, interdimensional tax evasion, and weaponized 1970s upholstery? Pull up a chair.

My name is Joseph. I'm a bankrupt systems engineer who bought a falling-down estate in rural Alabama for forty-four grand, entirely because the phenomenally misspelled "Fer Sal" sign in the front yard spoke to my soul.

Turns out, the previous owners forgot to mention the property came with a five-hundred-acre magical forest and an active interdimensional portal.

My first squatter is Lexi. She's a 94-year-old, drop-dead gorgeous apex predator who crossed dimensions specifically to buy two cartons of Marlboro Reds. My real estate paperwork accidentally bricked the Wi-Fi password to her ride home, and she's stranded in my living room.

The compromise? I figure out a way to fix her commute, and she teaches me interdimensional capitalism.

Lexi is a "luxury" furniture dealer. She sells the absolute ugliest, mustard-plaid 1970s couches we can drag out of terrestrial thrift stores to medieval aristocrats who think Earth synthetics are high-status alien technology.

But I'm not just her delivery boy. I introduce the 14th century to premium Earth tobacco, trading cheap cigars for pounds of raw silver to officially become a medieval nicotine kingpin.

Now, if I can just figure out how to reverse-engineer their magical runes to get A/C to work in a sweltering medieval dimension called Dirt -- yep, that's literally the realm's name -- our monopoly will be complete.

Between dodging the local agricultural cartel, laundering pirate treasure through the town hardware store, and building magical prototypes in a cinderblock bunker, my hands are full. Especially because my house is now inhabited by three highly lethal, immortal women.

The kicker? Their alien biology is specifically wired to feed on the kinetic output of male hubris.

Good thing I'm busy cornering a multi-dimensional economy. My ego has absolutely never been higher.

And they are eating it up. Literally.

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• Literature & FictionAction & AdventureFantasy

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• Print Length: 365 Pages
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